Of Women Who Scowl and Eckhart's Pain-Body

I had to make an ATM withdrawal today, and the bank being just a stone's throw away from my kids' school, I decided I'd walk there straight from school after seeing Alden off. I did my thing at the ATM, and the little receipt from the machine once again reminded me of one of life's greatest mysteries: How does money disappear so fast? It's too early in the day to be wrestling with unsolvable mysteries, so with a little shrug, I started heading home. Then another question popped up: should I take a tricyle or walk? I wanted to walk but I was wearing a mousy, ankle-length black skirt that made me look like a lola from last century. But it's one of my most comfortable clothes so I often have it on. Anyways, I decided to walk home.

Along the way, I met a real lola type who had a scowl on her face. She looked mean and unhappy, and she reminded me of my former boss, who often gave me a hard time. I used to think of this boss as an ogre, a troll, a bulldog, Hitler...you get the idea. I really hated him. Then he had a stroke. It made his face and mouth look funny, like he was perpetually wearing a Joker grin/sneer. (You know Joker? Batman's arch enemy?) After his stroke, my boss began to be more mellow and less threatening. In time, I came to think of him less like a bulldog and more like a deformed old man.

I then began thinking about how other people possibly perceive me. I know I can look cold and unapproachable sometimes. Maybe not just sometimes but most of the time, I guess. Even to my kids, I sometimes look angry when I'm not. (Well, maybe it's because I'm trying so hard to be stern with them so they'll learn to be more afraid, and ergo more respectful, of me.)

The thing is, I know that I now smile much less than I used to. I was called bungisngis way back, maybe a decade ago, and now I probably appear generally stern and unfriendly. I wonder, could I possibly look like that lola I just met? Do I have her scowl and mean expression? God forbid!

My experiences have given me the wisdom to know that in their hearts, people aren't really mean, aloof or cold. It's just that they had a hard life, maybe a painful childhood or traumatic experiences that made them that way. I know that because I see it in my self. I wish I weren't painfully introspective, but I do scrutinize my moods and actions way too much. And one of the things I'm sure of is I'm not distrustful, I'm not unfriendly, I'm not cold... but I do give off those vibes at times. Maybe I have grown to be distrustful of others and protective of myself, maybe these have become my defense mechanisms because I went through betrayal, hurt and some hard times. I don't know.

Now, when I see someone who appears angry, mean or ill-tempered, I try to be kind and not judge. I'm sure that lola I just saw was once a wide-eyed, trusting child. Now she's all grown up and toughened by life's hard knocks. I can sympathize with her. I can even feel somewhat motherly toward her, at some level wanting to soothe the hurt child inside her.

This reminds me of Eckhart Tolle's pain-body which he talks about extensively in his book A New Earth. He says that everyone of us has a pain-body, that part of us that was hurt or betrayed. Some people have it more than others, depending on their life experiences. Some people also wear their pain-body on their sleeves, so to speak, but in most people, it is suppressed. The pain-body makes us distrustful, cold, angry, mean, sometimes cruel, much like those stereotypical villains in fairy tales. (Think evil stepmother, Cruella, Captain Hook, etc.) At most times, our pain-body is asleep or dormant, but when aroused, it can really blow up and make a scene, surprising even us. When a usually quiet or timid person suddenly erupts, or when someone you know suddenly behaves like a stranger you've never met, it may be his pain-body surfacing. When you think of it enough, the idea of having a pain-body is not at all far-fetched or hocus-pocussy. It can make a lot of sense. It does to me.

Eckhart Tolle also talks a lot about how to deal with the pain-body (in others and in oneself), and of course, his main thesis which is staying present, living at the moment, which I find to be a really wise piece of counsel to live by.

Eckhart Tolle, a really wise man. He looks a bit like Yoda, no?