Not Running -- But Not Sitting Still Either

I've said (or thought) "I'm back into writing and blogging" so many times in the past that I've lost count. It's pretty much how I also feel about another favorite hobby of mine, running. I have this on-and-off, love-hate relationship with blogging and running. Well, maybe "hate" is too strong a word. It's true that the very thought of running in the cold early morning air often makes me feel like throwing the covers over my head and doing a Rip Van Winkle. But it's also true that many a day has felt incomplete for me without a run, or without a blog post.

Speaking of running, I'm on a forced hiatus right now. I had ignored for too long the pain in my right leg, and just kept on running and playing badminton like there's no tomorrow, until I no longer could. The pain has developed into a full-blown running injury called a shin splint. The cure is simple but very hard to do: quit running and let the leg rest for at least two weeks.

And so I have stopped running. For about a week now. That's the good news. The bad news is that I have succumbed a few times to the temptation to play badminton. Last Saturday, I played badminton for about six hours, and the result of this foolhardiness is more pain and a limp, which become very pronounced when I go up and down the stairs.

In search of another hobby that won't put strain on my legs, I have turned to photography. This has been a latent interest of mine for quite some time (my daughters say I'm interested in everything), and now seems to be the perfect time to give it full lien. I also happen to have this digital SLR camera that's been lying around the house for years now. I might as well put it into good use.

To start off, I downloaded a number of great photography books from the Internet. These books cost a great deal (easily over P1,500 when I did some browsing at National Bookstore), and I feel very lucky to be able to download the electronic versions for free and read them on my iPad. I was also able to find the manual for my d-SLR on the Internet, a very handy reference to take the place of the real manual which I've lost.

I've been taking a lot of practice shots, mostly of our dearest beatzu named Cookie. Here's a sample.

And I've enrolled in a short photography course at UP that starts two days from now. I'm super-excited! I would have loved to take the course together with my daughter Jigme, but she's too busy with schoolwork, and perhaps not as interested in photography as I am. We did agree that I'd teach her whatever I learned in the course. She's very artistic and loves to sketch, and I'm sure she'll enjoy photography too when she gets to experience it firsthand.

So that's what I've been doing these days. I hope to get to write more and blog regularly again while I'm more or less forced to stay off my feet. That way, I could also put into full use some of the idle gadgetry that's gathering dust in a corner somewhere, like this bluetooth keyboard that I'm now using while typing on the iPad. It all has made me realize once again how fortunate I am, and how there is so much to learn and to do. Learning, like living, never stops, no matter what your age is. And so here I am, embarking on a new hobby, staying off my feet, but definitely not sitting still :-)

Yesterday, I Cried

(This is a poem from the book Yesterday, I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant. I find it very touching and familiar, as I'm a frequent crier myself.)

Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues ying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected it back to me in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a lttle girl,
and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
Because
Yesterday, I cried
with an agenda.

Jailbroken!

I've always ignored comments and posts I read on techie sites that I should jailbreak my Apple devices to get the best out of them. I thought, if the thing isn't broken, why bother changing it? Indeed, I've been very happy with my iPhone and iPad (and my iPods as well) and I saw no reason to tinker with them beyond what Apple officially allows.

Then one day, I came across this irresistible post in FlipBoard that said all it takes to jailbreak is just one click. At jailbreakme.com, the process is entirely automated; you just have to click on one button and it's done--no need to manually download or install any program or change the settings. It even works for the latest iOS version and the iPads. And it's risk-free because you can restore your device anytime (to the previous un-jailbroken state) through iTunes. And so I was convinced.

I first jailbroke my iPhone. It was a very easy process, as promised. No glitches, though I didn't know what to do afterwards and what Cydia apps to get.

I started with the easiest modifications possible. I downloaded some themes and ringtunes. Again, it was pretty easy to do, though it was time-consuming because everytime I changed into a new theme, the iPhone had to be restarted. Aside from that, the process was uncomplicated. And I loved the new looks provided by the installed themes. After a while, the original interface does become dull and boring. With the themes, your iPhone also looks different from all other iPhones.

Next, I jailbroke my Ipad. Again, it was easy, though there aren't very many free iPad themes available compared to iPhone themes. But I'm happy that my jailbroken iPad now looks distinct from the run-of-the-mill iPad interface. (Mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko.)

I also installed Activator, an app that lets you assign commands or actions to specific gestures or buttons. With it, you can choose the Home button, for instance, to do whatever command you wish to associate it with. On my iPad, clicking and holding down the Home button now automatically turns off the device, something I couldn't do previously.

There are other Cydia apps I wish to try, especially the one which allows unrestricted transfer of all files between a PC and any iDevice. In the meantime, I'm happy with the new themes I have on my iPhone. Here are some of their screenshots:

The "Picnic" Theme. This is my kids' favorite.

"Buuf2"

"Glasklart." One of the most popular iPhone themes.

"High Tech Clover." I like this because it's simple and clean.

"Touchit." Another favorite of mine.

Kali-Ma: The Dark Mother

Just today, I changed yet again my facebook name, this time to Kali-Ma. It might appear to be an insignificant, meaningless thing to do, since I've done the name changing act a lot of times in the past, as have many other bored people on FB. But it meant something personally profound to me. The time, and the name, feel right.

Yesterday, I had an episode channeling the Dark Mother herself. I partly blame it on hormones; without fail, I am irritable on the days just prior to my period. On the other hand, my teen-age daughter was being her usual messy and insensitive self, and I felt she never really listened to me. Maybe she was hormone-influenced as well, for yesterday she was extra-sensitive to my berating her, and so we butted heads. I ended up crying and locking myself in my room. Yes, even to me, it does sound shameful and very un-motherlike, but that's what happened. It was a tantrum I'm not proud of. Later, my daughter sent me a touching note of apology, and by 6:30 pm, we made up and all was well again.

So who's Kali-Ma? Students of Indian mythology and world religions are familiar with Kali as the destroyer, man-slayer and "demoness," but that's just one aspect of this fearsome, powerful goddess. She also creates, resurrects and gives life. She is "the womb and the tomb." It'll be a long treatise to talk about Kali-Ma's many attributes, but in a nutshell, she's a powerful trinity goddess with equivalents in many religions and mythologies, not just Indian.

Years ago, when I was seriously into Eastern mysticism, the name Kali-Ma came to me in meditation as my esoteric name, though I never really studied what or who she is. Sometime afterwards, I did some research about her and Kali worship, but it was all intellectual. I wasn't really attracted into pursuing this path as my spiritual practice. But in difficult times, I would almost unconsciously pray to the Divine Mother and feel a deep kinship with her. I would find great comfort in this, and it has sustained me through very trying, heartbreaking times.

On the inside, many things have been happening to me lately, although my life has consistently been pretty boring and uneventful these recent months. I feel a strong urge to strengthen my spiritual practice. I feel I've been overly tamasic (materialistic and physical) recently, and I intend to bring more balance into my life. I've actually been a slowpoke at this. About two months ago, I decided to quit my job so that I could devote serious time to things that really matter to me. I resolved to take better care of my health, exercise more, meditate more, write more, read more (and more discriminately at that), and be a better mother. I did quit my work, which was a drastic action, but I've been slow in putting my intentions to work. But I'll get there, with the Mother's grace and blessings :-)

Trying Out Blogpress

Gadgets are supposed to save you time, but the truth of the matter is, they're terrible time wasters as well. Ever since I got my iPad, I've wasted probably hundreds of hours on it doing useless (but on occasion gratifying) things.

I bought it primarily to use it as a writing device, but I find that I still do most of my writing on my netbook (a Lenovo touchscreen one) because it's simply more convenient to use. I do have a Bluetooth keyboard for my iPad which makes typing more comfortable, but now I rarely use that too. The iPad's become the kids' go-to gadget when they're bored, and I use it mostly just to check my email.

Just this morning, I was on Facebook and I read this post about a great blogging tool for the iPad. I checked it out and it sounded good. I thought, now here's a nice chance to revive my dying blog and at the same time put my iPad into more productive use.

So, here I am, writing my first BlogPress post on my iPad (and just using the on-screen keyboard too). So far, it's been a smooth experience, but we'll see soon if I can post it just as easily.

Let me just put in a random picture below to see how the image insertion works.




That's Cookie, our spoiled bea-tzu :-)



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Perigee Moon

The girls and I stayed out a bit tonight, looking at the perigee moon, or a "super moon" that's supposed to be the largest full moon in 20 years. Truthfully, it doesn't look any bigger than usual, but it was nice just being out at night, enjoying the cool air and the quietness. It was cloudy too, so the moon sometimes hid behind the cumulo-strato clouds (we were debating on what kind of clouds they were, and didn't find a common answer).

I hope this super moon doesn't trigger more tsunami waves. People in Japan are already going through very tough times as things are.

I'm not exactly worried about calamities right now, but I'm thinking we should be more prepared for the eventuality of an earthquake, which Philvolcs says can happen anytime. I intend to look up online how a household can be more ready for such an event. It won't hurt to be more informed and prepared.

Whatevah!

O - M - G! If there's a blogging equivalent of drunk dialing, this must be it–tipsy blogging, for lack of a better phrase. I might regret posting this tomorrow, but tomorrow's a lifetime away, and tonight I'm just here, tipsy and in an anything-goes mood. (Hence the new name for this poor blog which I have neglected for so long and which no one reads anyway, so WTH.)

I have this mild cough and runny nose, and I couldn't sleep. So I went down at about 10 pm, when everyone else here had gone over to Dreamland, and tried to lull myself to sleep with leftover San Mig Lights and some clicks on the remote. After watching an episode of Spartacus–the finale, which was very fine, by the way–I was still wide awake. And so I proceeded to watch episode 6 of Shameless, then episode 7. The show's about a crazy, dysfunctional family. The dad's an alcoholic, the mom's out of the picture (maybe dead), and the kids (all 6 or 7 of them) are left alone to fend for themselves. Fiona, the eldest girl, has taken on the mother's role and they're all surviving as best as they can. It reminded me somewhat of my childhood, with my always sick (read: manic-depressive) mother and our heroic dad who tried his very best to raise us well, practically single-handedly. Kind of bittersweet. Somehow, it all reminded me of how fortunate I am now, with my "problems" seeming so petty in comparison to theirs (and to mine when I was growing up). I might feel alone sometimes, and the thought of my very dry feet does bother me at times (!)–I said petty, right?–but there's a whole bunch of stuff I should be thankful for. And I am. Very. Grateful. I have my wonderful children with me, they are so pretty and smart, and we are happy and well taken care of financially. So I'm fortunate than most, we really are.

I don't know how that thinking led me to this blog entry, but here I am, typing away at 1:41 in the morning. I guess I have been thinking a lot lately that I should update this blog, and that's why I'm here now. I have been unusually busy with my freelance writing and so I never really had the time nor the motivation to write anything here. Until now.

So there. That's all I really want to say. It's nothing much, I know.

I think I'm ready to sleep now.

Good morning/night, y'all! :-)